A friend called today...

I know it sounds petty, but a friend called me today and totally made my week. She filled me in on how her children are, we talked politics, talked about the lady with the 14 kids, her kids' birthday parties, her church, my health, their upcoming trip to Disney, and other stuff. We were room-mates in college, and it was the best hour and a half to chat with her.

That was a good part of today, but it reminded me of something that bugs me sooo much that I have to write about it.

As I have become sicker, I have turned into a pariah. No one calls (people have the lamest excuses for ignoring me, using old excuses when they have not even bothered to ask me for updates), no one comes to visit, they don't want to see or talk to me. Now, there are exceptions, and those are precious. Some email or contact me thru other sites, people who are too far away to come visit. That said, there are plenty who, for whatever reason, could call or come by, but don't. So busy in their own lives to notice that I am whithering away. I see the pain in their eyes on the once a year visit, so it is easier for them to go visit other HEALTHY friends. So what, I can not come to their house, I can not help it if my wheelchair will not fit.

But still life goes on. And things get harder for me. I am here almost 24/7, the exception lately being doctor visits. And no one offers to relieve my parents or sister. They are chained to our house by me, and no one bails them out. Exceptions there being my reliable nurse, and one Aunt.

So yeah, today I b**** because I am sick, so sick, of being sick, and deathly afraid that to some I have become invisible, not worth even talking to. And I am tired of watching those who live with me get tired, but still they smile and do their hardest (to their detriment) to take care of me.

Yeah, the visit on the phone today was great, but it also broke my heart. I will go now, and the cheerful Tracey will return tomorrow or by the next post. Today I am typing it like it is, and with the tears that fall, it cleanses me a bit. If people only knew, or cared.

This is my life. And today, I just wanted to type something to soothe my heart and put on paper what my heart and soul are screaming. And I am not allowing myself to do what I have done before by not posting this. I refuse to get rid of the evidence of my feelings by hitting the delete key.

Such is the dirty part of life with a disability. Some off days are really really off.