The Bachelor

I made the mistake of getting sucked in again this season. My first impressions of Jason were that he was a man of integrity and deep feelings and that he cried A LOT. My Mom says that is a wonderful quality in a man, but two men have shown that in recent years, and both turned out to be wastes of breath.

I am finding it hard to believe that show is real. Everything seemed so staged, and it was disgusting. He was no more kind to either girl at the end, than the man in the moon. What a jerk! And for Molly to take him back, I wish she would have dumped him also. I guess she does not mind being the second choice. I thought Jason was concerned about how the whole process would affect his son. Yeah right.

He introduced one lady to his son as the one he was going to marry. And my choice for him. Then, he rips that relationship apart (she was far too good for him), and now has to tell his son, I made a mistake, now THIS lady is going to be your new Mommy, and the Mommy you got used to is never going to come here again. What that does to a 4 year old, time will tell.

So, I wasted my time. I am so angry at the way this turned out I could scream. And I am not alone. They are right for each other. Both heartless and only after one thing...

A friend called today...

I know it sounds petty, but a friend called me today and totally made my week. She filled me in on how her children are, we talked politics, talked about the lady with the 14 kids, her kids' birthday parties, her church, my health, their upcoming trip to Disney, and other stuff. We were room-mates in college, and it was the best hour and a half to chat with her.

That was a good part of today, but it reminded me of something that bugs me sooo much that I have to write about it.

As I have become sicker, I have turned into a pariah. No one calls (people have the lamest excuses for ignoring me, using old excuses when they have not even bothered to ask me for updates), no one comes to visit, they don't want to see or talk to me. Now, there are exceptions, and those are precious. Some email or contact me thru other sites, people who are too far away to come visit. That said, there are plenty who, for whatever reason, could call or come by, but don't. So busy in their own lives to notice that I am whithering away. I see the pain in their eyes on the once a year visit, so it is easier for them to go visit other HEALTHY friends. So what, I can not come to their house, I can not help it if my wheelchair will not fit.

But still life goes on. And things get harder for me. I am here almost 24/7, the exception lately being doctor visits. And no one offers to relieve my parents or sister. They are chained to our house by me, and no one bails them out. Exceptions there being my reliable nurse, and one Aunt.

So yeah, today I b**** because I am sick, so sick, of being sick, and deathly afraid that to some I have become invisible, not worth even talking to. And I am tired of watching those who live with me get tired, but still they smile and do their hardest (to their detriment) to take care of me.

Yeah, the visit on the phone today was great, but it also broke my heart. I will go now, and the cheerful Tracey will return tomorrow or by the next post. Today I am typing it like it is, and with the tears that fall, it cleanses me a bit. If people only knew, or cared.

This is my life. And today, I just wanted to type something to soothe my heart and put on paper what my heart and soul are screaming. And I am not allowing myself to do what I have done before by not posting this. I refuse to get rid of the evidence of my feelings by hitting the delete key.

Such is the dirty part of life with a disability. Some off days are really really off.

About the weather....

It is a tad selfish I know, but I loved the snow and ice we got this past week. I am able to stay at home, and watch the weather out the window, and I loved it. I do not like to think of family and friends out in it, having trouble driving and walking. We had some measurable snow, finally, and lots of ice. And the whole mess lasted a few days since we are out in the country, and it would melt during the day and then refreeze at night. But again, I loved it.

The Superbowl is this weekend. My beloved Redskins are at home, so I really do not care, but I guess I will hope the underdog wins. I live as an underdog, so I try to help the little guy. Not that my Skins fall into that category, they are just having a rough decade or so...But wait until next season......

I have been eating and loving stuff given to me for Christmas. Those caramels with that white creamy stuff in the middle (loved them as a kid, hope every year that my cousin will give them to me, though I could buy them myself), chocolate (M&Ms, Ribbon Candy, all the stuff health fanatics say you should stay away from). Ain't life grand?

It has been a while

After a long time of not being on the computer, I am finally able to catch up. Lots and lots to post about...

The recent reign of the new President. I did not watch all of it, I actually fell asleep waiting for the parade to start, only to find out a horse being hit by a vehicle was the reason for the delay. It looked so cold out there, and there were certainly more people than I have ever seen gather on the Mall. One of my cousins was out in that mess and I hope she got out OK. That crush of humanity would have made me really nervous.

Did anyone else hear that idiot who advised people in wheelchairs to just stay home and watch it on TV??? Almost made me want to go. Almost. That is my Grandma coming through. The stubborn streak... Well, if everyone in wheelchairs had stayed home, Biden's Mom would not have been there and neither would have Dick Chenney. Some people are so stupid and it is people like that guy who I hope just for 24 hours down the road sometime, he gets to know what it feels like...

The festivities of Tuesday were not pleasant to this conservative Christian, but I can appreciate the history that it brings and also how people never thought that would happen (an African American). I am tickled for the nurse that helps me, in that she and her family are so proud of their heritage, and for those that also are excited for that reason. I will and have already been praying for our President, always have (even Clinton).

It cracks me up that everyone is so excited about our new President, and yet one of the first things he has done is recommend that we appoint a CRIMINAL to be secretary of Treasury. That guy paid his only back taxes when he got caught. Is that Really who Democrats want controlling all our money? Insane. I predict that if this guy gets in, before it is over he will probably steal a ton of money and people will act all surprised. GOOD MOVE! If that is any indication of the next 4 years, we are in big trouble.

No snow this winter. Sad. I would still love to see us get a bunch, over a foot would be to my liking. But we have had lots of cold weather, most of it coming when I had to be out in it. Of course. Those who know me know that is kind of how my life works.

Many thanks to everyone who emailed, called, or came to see me as I have been recouperating from recent surgery. Thanks so much!

Until next time.....I am already planning my bumper sticker "Don't blame me, I voted for McCain".

Anybody else have this problem???

The reason that I do not post more here is because I can never remeber mine and then it takes so long to get a new one. I had a written cheat sheet with all my passwords, I even lost THAT!

One quick thing. I am having surgery unexpectedly on MONDAY. So it might be a while before I RECOUP enought to feel like getting on the computer.

My Redskins are falling apart. And it certainly does not help when one starter started shooting his mouth off. The only good in that is that I may win the bet with my Uncle Gene. WE do it in the summer and we guess what their final record will be. HE picked 3 an13, and I picked 7 and 9, so the way they are playing, I might win again. I WON last year. So that will be fun to keep up with.

i REALIZE I posted about hating passwords butI forgot those annoying letters in the boxes that you have to duplicate. AND I tried the other option, and that is worse. THEY say the letters while thre is noise or almost like someone is screaming.

Those darn passwords

So, why have I not written anything for a month, no many months?? For the simple reason that I could not remember my password, and could not get the link to change the password, to go through.

Finally, the password is something I will never forget. Life is tough these days. screening for a surgery in December, surgery in January. At least neither will mess up my actual Christmas or Christmas Eve and I never have plans for January.

About Christmas, my parents want my sister and I to make up Christmas lists. we are both adults, but what do we need?? Or want??? It is tough. And it is already November. so they are really pushing. A book I wanted, my sister bought it for Mom for her birthday.

So I will think about it and I am always open for suggestions.

Back on track

I was reminded yesterday, by a true friend that others are not worth the energy. That is so right and now I am sorry I wasted the post.

I have MANY true friends, ones I could call in the middle of the night, and I know it. Friends that go back to college (lots of years later), family and people who are family by adoption, meaning they are so close they may as well be family.

It is weird how we focus on the negative and not the positive sometimes. Not sure why that is. If it is cold, we want it warmer. When the summer rolls around, we wish for cooler weather. Food too cold, then we whine when the microwave or stove gets it too hot. On and on....

Just a reminder to me, and those around me, to focus on the positive things in life, life is too short.

The importance of TRUE friends

Within the last year, lots in my life has changed, some visible, most inside. But I am astonished at the number of friends who don't call anymore. One friend in particular, or should I say a person that presented as a friend, anyway at the same time typing an email that said "I am in this for the long haul", completely stopped emailing after that. Eventually changed that email. Moved without even giving an address. I allowed that to break my heart for a while and that I became angry. This was a person who, when others were not talking to him for a stupid reason, I was the one who said "I am here and refuse to do like the others". Now that has been flipped on me.

This was an old friend, someone I knew from college, which we realized was almost 20 years. This is the last time I will devote ANY energy to this person. I am better than that and have way too much bad stuff on my plate. There is no room for that mess. If that person ever sees this, I have some pictures of you as a little kid. I would be happy to mail them back to you...

I have people in my life who really are in my life for the long haul. I think after all these months I feel nothing but pity for you.

It has only been two days, but......

I miss my family! They were ALL just here on Saturday, but already the house is too quiet. There is lots of food left over. That wonderful cake that barely got touched is still here and I can enjoy it as breakfast.

I wonder when we will all get together, and hope it will be for a happy occaision. It was fun the other day trying to ID the younger ones, who had all grown up. Some were more difficult than others. Some looked so much like their parents, it was easy. Some that we do not see as much, were only ID'd because of who they came in with.

All total, we went through all the hotdogs that were brought (at least 40), Dad said somewhere around 60 hamburgers, and about 30 BBQ Chicken legs. I have not yet stopped to count how many people were here. But we estimated that to get a group shot would have to involve a ladder. That is alot of relatives all in one spot.

It was a great day and one I hope that we do not have to wait until next year to repeat.

Reunion Hangover

Now I have to start this by saying that there was absolutely no alcohol involved in this activity, but I am sure that everyone who was here today is very tired, a little sore, and exhausted beyond belief.

We came, we saw, and we ate...lots. And there is so much food left over. Almost 80%of a sheetcake, which I will enjoy for breadfast many mornings.

It was a great day, and I cannot wait til we do this again.

I am wiped out, so see ya in the morning!

Family

Tomorrow we will have probably somewhere around 50 people descend on our house, and they will stay pretty much all day. They will all be either my Mother's brother or sisters, their kids, or grandkids. Yep, we will all have some of their blood running thru us. My Grandma died unexpectedly.

One of my Aunts was determined that we have a theme, so we are doing the Olympics, but with our style of games. Water baloons, bocci ball, croquet, badmitton, volleyball, but we have medals all made up and prizes too. We also have Family Fued, and other games. It should be tons of fun and an event to remember.

We have been bringing out pictures by the hundreds, marking your initials on the back, so you hopefully will get them back. It is sad looking through some of the pics of family who has gone on to Heaven. And others who have had a rough life and now look so much older than their actual years. Sad stuff.

But there are also dozens of hilarious pics. Our family is crazy, and someone is always joking or playing a joke on someone else, like sticking bananas in their ears. Or people cramming in to a perfectly good photo right before the flash goes off. And more Christmas photos than you can count and can only distinguish by the fact that different clothes are on each picture, or the grandkids are a certain age.

I am sure that by tomorrow evening and Sunday we will all be worn out, probably a little sunburned, but with lots more pictures and even more memories. It should be a fun day, but I am going to bed early tonight to rest up before they all descend on our house. I will love every minute!!!!

FOOTBALL IS HERE!!!!

I am a Happy Camper, football season has started. OK, technically, these are games that do not really count, but after the dreary off-seasons of having nothing to watch on Sunday afternoons, action on gridiron is welcomed by those of us who truly love the game. Of course being a Redskin fan, this past weekend was glorious for me. Two of our best players were put in the HOF where they should be. (Oh, to non football people, that means Hall of Fame). But chances are, if you did not know that, you saw what this is about and stopped reading.

I loved the fact that most (John Madden said 95%) of the crowd in Canton wore Burgandy and Gold. I was at home cuddled up with my Redskin blanket. I have to admit, that from 8-9 I watched Big Brother, but I have to say, Colt Brennan shook up some people I think. He was fantastic. Todd Collins should be feeling a warm breath as Brennan is breathing down his neck I am sure.

How refreshing to see the Skins behind at the Half and actually coming Back to win. That was a change from last year when they would give the game away after Halftime.

Funny thing, I did happen to be channel surfing just at the perfect time to see my favorite Redskin Chris Cooley make a big catch. Maybe he waited til I was watching. I have often thought we had some ESP going between us.

And all the specials this weekend re-capping the 1982 Super Bowl season, I loved them, and recall fondly standing on top of my wheelchair as the bus went by. I drew a lot of looks, got very wet that day, and found out we weren't the only ones who thought of taking metro that day. It was an AWESOME day!!!

I love my Redskins, win or lose, but am so happy this weekend we got a win!!

CHOCOLATE ANYONE??

I am convinced that on the 8th day, or the 15th at the very least, God created chocolate! Just kidding. But is it not the best thing EVER!!! Friends make flake and go away, other people have to sleep when you are up all night long, other stuff can happen, but chocolate in ALL forms (currently being devoured by me: M&Ms, Bliss by Hershey, and Fudge from the Fudgery in SC) is always there.

I think I have made a decision, though not 100% convinced, about my surgery. I have several questions for my doctor, that will settle things. I have trouble sleeping, I cannot turn off my brain.

A really good distraction is that Training Camp has started!! Whoo hoo!!!! It makes me so happy to see those guys out on the field. I am sorry about the injuries the first day. One was Philip Daniels, a really nice guy. He tore his ACL and is out for the season. He is set to have surgery. I am praying that it is not too painful. I had that same injury, not from playing football but I just twisted it the wrong way.

Last year Dad and I went to Training Camp, and it turned out to be the hottest day in August. Dad got great pictures as he has a camera with a super photo lens. When we went to get them printed, he had taken about 50 or more pics of Chris Cooley, since he knew that #47 is my favorite on the current team, second only to the great Darrell Green. It was just funny that I ended up with that many pictures of one person, but of course I loved it.

And the Skins added the Dance Machine himself Jason Taylor. He should be a good asset.
I gotta get more info. on the new guys before I get in touch with my Uncle. We guess at the beginning of each season what we think the team's end status will be. I won last year!

Until the next time.........

Big thanks!!!

Big thanks to Tanner, for helping me figure out how to get that darn counter out of here!!! Now this looks like it is supposed to. Big hugs, Tanner!

Heavy thinking day...

When you have a very important decision to make, and you have been given a "few weeks" to decide, how do you distract yourself? I am currently trying television, and a program that I love. "The Closer", I had to start 4 times before I even was listening to it.

The question is this: my doctor has urged me to have a pump inplanted in my gut around to my spine that would give medication. I have argued about this surgery for years. The whole thing just makes me ill. This past weekend I spoke with someone who has recently (March) had it done, and that was helpful. But it also brought up some questions. YIKES!!!

So, chocolate has helped alot. I will not talk about how much I ate last week (down at my second house, my Aunt's in Richmond), but let's just say that the M&M business is making lots of money off my purchases. Books and magazines helped. I finished one book that was outstanding, and then had a few mags to keep up with. The computer helped ALOT. My addiction with Webkinz was fed big time. I was able to play with my little cousins (the ones that got me started), and I ended up showing some stuff to them that they had not found. Their Mom also told me that they only play with theirs when I am there. And that they wanted to come over early each day, not to see Nana or my Mom, they "just wanted to play with Tracey". That made me feel great.

I am leaning toward having this surgery, but man, I really dread it. But, enough of that. For those who wondered or emailed to check, my pelvis is not fully healed yet, and a big amount of the pain is gone.

It was driving me nuts not to be able to post here, but as is normal for me, I forgot my password. Had to re-set it, so now I am back.

Just to let you know why I am not posting

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I fell on Wednesday and fractured a bone in my pelvis. Not good news, but that is why I will be gone for a while.

I appreciate any prayers and thoughts of good wishes.

Tracey

Fun In The Sun!!!!!

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I am here at Myrtle Beach, and loving every moment. For the past two days, I got to go out in the ocean!!! They have this cool aqua chair that you can use, made of PVC pipe and huge tires, it is wonderful. Someone else has to push it but when you get out in the waves, it floats!! Dad would take me out about 5 inches deep or so, and when a wave came, man, that thing would have floated away if he was not holding it. My sister clued me in on the fact that Dad was pushing the back part down in order for me to get wetter. Yesterday I was wet all the way to the top of my head!!

Someone would have to go out around 7 and reserve it from the life guard, but it was free. And you could use it for an hour, but if no one else had asked for it you could keep it longer. It was so much fun!! I may do it again at the end of the week, but I am not sure. It was awesome being able to go out on the beach and in the water. And so many people came up to ask how we got it, I thought we may have some competition to get use for it. They only have one for all of North Myrtle Beach. Crazy, I know.

Today I am taking the day off, a bit sunburned and tired, and we are going to Broadway at the Beach this evening. Should be fun. They have fireworks there every night.

Tough to say if I will slow down again this week to post here, we are having a blast!!

Sleep, blissful sleep!!!!!!!!

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Today was the day after a mini vacation that everyone loves when you realize that you are home, in your own bed, and you do not have any appointments or anything that you have to get up for. So, I was awake for about an hour, took all the meds for this morning, went back to sleep until about 1, ate lunch, and then dozed off and on thru the afternoon.

Tonight I am realizing that I do have to get up at a certain time to be at an appointment, and I am dreading that, but after that I have the rest of the time to rest up for our trip to Myrtle Beach on Thursday.

I got my computer hooked up again this afternoon, and was able to play (make sure my Webkinz Sophie the Bear, was OK). After a burger and fries from the best place I know of (Five Guys), I am watching the Bachellorette and typing. I know who my favorite is, who I think DeAnna should choose, but he better get his act together. I think she should pick Graham, but if he doesn't start opening up, he may be a goner. Just my opinion, and unfortunately, she didn't ask me. Though I am still single and will be until I die I am sure, so maybe I would not be a good one for advice.

Well, until later........

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Forgot to mention the super great thing that happened today. Tonight around 8, my little cousins that started this whole Webkins thing, came over and climbed in bed with me (one was laying against my side with his head on my shoulder, and the other was kind of lying on my stomach) and we stayed that way and I showed them my new rooms on the site, and showed them a few games that they did not know how to play. Tomorrow we have a "date" to get our pets and have them play together. I hope they know how to do that, I have no idea.

My Aunt got some pictures of us like that. I found out later that they had come from a pool party and were damp and cold. That is probably the reason they wanted to cuddle, no other reason. Oh well, I will take what I can get.

More rest for the weary

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Today I learned that a good friend of mine is as addicted to those Webkinz as me, and SHE has 3! I am curious, they have a year "expiration" date. So, what does that mean? Is that when we learn about death? Or do we have to pay? I really want to go buy another one, but maybe I will wait until this one's April expiration. I'll let you know.

This has been so peaceful for me. I slept til Noon, watched a movie with my Aunt, made delicious fudge (when my sister asked me what I wanted for dinner - by then I was back in bed- I asked her to put some fudge alongside my pork chops. Everyone laughed.

I have a book I hope to finish tonight or tomorrow. Such lazy days, we leave here on Sunday, visit a doctor on Tuesday, leave Thursday for the start of our trip, our first night will be back here, then on to Wilson NC, a stop for the night, then the next day into Myrtle Beach.

More laziness at the beach. I cannot wait to feel the sun on my body. Not too much, but enough to make more freckles appear. I know, most people hate their freckles when they pop out in the sun, but not me. Once, when I was in college, I foolishly let someone do a make-over on me. I should have known I was in trouble when she said "I hate my freckles too". I went to lunch, met some friends who hated the non existing freckles, and then went to check my mail. A friend met me at the Post Office andsince we had the next class together, he volunteered to push my wheelchair to the next class. We went from the po up the side walk toward the DeMoss building. Now it was pouring the rain. I looked up to have a conversation with my friend, and Christiaan started pushing me faster. I asked him, what's wrong? He had this weird look on his face.

He said, something to the effect of: "Trace, dear, your face is running off, I have to get you into a bathroom". Not being a make-up wearer, I did not even think about the fact that it was affected by water. And now I knew how much make-up it took to cover up those beautiful freckles. NEVER again have I ever gotten a make-over.

For those who do not know me, I have freckles all over me. On my face and arms, it would be difficult to put a pencil eraser any place on my face, hands or arms without hitting a freckle. Those things are literally all over me. I even have them on my ears and eyelids!!! You will have to trust me, but I have brown dots all over me. I say it is all the chocolate I have eaten over the years finally popping out!!!

Case in point, about the chocolate: my Uncle just came in to find out if I wanted any mint chocolate chip icecream at the same time my Aunt was coming to ask if I wanted some fudge. Strange, but all my clothes still fit. We will see how long that lasts.

I hope your day tomorrow is filled with something or someone that you love as much as I love chocolate!!!